I wonder what our voices sound like.
I am venturing out to find a church again. I ran home last time and hid my head under the pillow. (Not really!) I think I might have been the oldest person there. I do anonymous better than conspicuous.
I have heard about two churches. I am terrified of both of them. One is also, probably, a younger community, but I have seen their fruit and it looks good. Both of them are likely to put me through the mill, grind my soul to a fine white powder and then stick me in a furnace and ... I might not make it. I might expire. I am not sure I want to go through this procedure, but I am called to.
I am whining and whinging privately, trying to convince myself that I can do this at home with my tube sessions and my bible and my heart and, and, and.
Rubbish that is. I have to go and get with the program since I feel a fight coming on and need to be able for it - when it comes.
I am presently feeling like Job in Chapter 30: from 19 to 31.
"I live in terror now. ..... My heart is broken. Depression haunts my days. My weary nights are filled with pain as though something were relentlessly gnawing at my bones. All night long I toss and turn, and my garments bind about me. God has thrown me into the mud. I have become as dust and ashes.... O God, .... You throw me into the whirlwind and dissolve me in the storm. .... The voice of joy and gladness has turned to mourning."
In Chapter 38 God speaks.
"Why are you using your ignorance to deny my providence? Now get ready to fight, for I am going to demand some answers from you, and you must reply."
[I can just see Job. "Is this a test?"]
The questions are:-
Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?
Tell me, if you know so much.
Do you know how its dimensions were determined, and who did the surveying?
What supports its foundations, and who laid the cornerstone, as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
Who decreed the boundaries of the seas when they gushed from the depths?
Who clothed them with clouds and thick darkness, and barred them by limiting their storms, and said, "Thus far and no farther shall you come, and here shall your proud waves stop!"
Have you ever commanded the morning star to appear, and caused the dawn to rise in the east?
Have you ever told the daylight to spread to the ends of the earth to end the night's wickedness?
Have you ever robed the dawn in red and disturbed haunts of wicked men and stopped the arm raised to strike?
Have you explored the springs from which the seas come, or walked in the sources of their depths?
Has the location of the gates of Death been revealed to you?
Do you realise the extent of the earth?
Where does the Light come from and how do you get there?
Or tell me about the darkness. Where does it come from?
But of course you know all this! For you were born before it was all created, and you are so very experienced!
Have you visited the treasuries of the snow, or seen where hail is made and stoned? For I have reserved it for the time when I will need it in war. [Not to be taken lightly, I don't think...]
Where is the home of the East wind?
Who dug the valleys for the torrents of rain?
Who laid the path for the lightening, causing rain to fall upon the barren deserts, so that the parched and barren ground is satisfied with water, and tender grass springs up?
Has the rain a father?
Where does dew come from?
Who is the mother of the ice and frost?
Can you hold back the stars?
Can you restrain Orion or Pleiades?
Can you ensure the proper sequence of the season, or guide the constellations of the Bear with her satellites across the heavens?
Do you know the laws of the universe and how the heavens influence the earth?
Can you stalk a prey like a lioness, to satisfy the young lions' appetites as they lie in their dens, or lie in wait in the jungle? Who provides for the ravens when their young cry out to God as they try to struggle up from their nest in hunger?
[And my personal favourites:]
Do you know how mountain goats give birth?
[Picture from a share on Facebook - Hello beautiful face]
Have you ever seen them giving birth to their young?
Do you know how many months of pregnancy they have before they bow themselves to give birth to their young and carry their burden no longer?
Their young grow up in an open field, then leave their parents and return to them no more.
Who makes the wild donkeys wild?
Will the wild ox be your happy servant?
Have you given the horse strength, or clothed his neck with a quivering mane?
Chapter 40
Do you still want to argue with the Almighty? Or will you yield? Do you - God's critic - have the answers?
[Poor old Job yields. As do I.]
"I am nothing ... I lay my hand upon my mouth in silence. I have said too much already."
"Stand up like a man and brace yourself for battle."
It is time.
I'm going to this church now.
Standing up and bracing for battle.
Love and Light my Lovelies.
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