"Verveine L'Octaine en Provence"

Survival

My desk is my survival kit. 

Contents for survival:

• And Cream from Ne'  :   Verveine  L'Octaine en Provence  ~ vital for healing,
• Cigarettes ~ I know. The battle goes on.
• A screw kept a gate closed ~ about three inches long.= ` wrapped in a gift of beads and interwoven are the words : "I know".  Gift from my gardener's wife.  It kept Alfred in the yard. He did so like escaping.
• A water vase most extraordinary. Gift from Ne'.
• Candles ~ a few - gifts from Ne'  ~  Harmony, perfumed.
• Books - language, spiritual, reference and writing instruments.
• Stones.
• Ants and dust.
• Hebrew lesson paraphernalia.

Bar the cream, the candle and the cigarettes, nothing counts when one's heart lurches and one feels vomit rising. 

Moving on.

My depression hit a rung. We believe that if we take the pills we will not be able to find our creativity.  

I have proved that depression not only reduces one's capacity for creativity, but it affects everyone's capacity for creativity. 

The numbness reduces one's desire to aspire to one's own heights. 

The sight and sound of us removes the joy from others. Mostly our significant others.

That's just not cricket.

Though medication does change one, and none of us know if this is for the better.  We are bombarded by those who don't have our hearts and think that it is pure poison.   Their judgement causes us to doubt the medication.  No matter. Well-intentioned advices do not help me. I must see if I can find my creativity again, words enough to finish the stories.

I am only  63.  There must be something worthwhile that I can do with the rest of my time. 

Depression deprives us of motivation, concentration and appetite.  Cigarettes are the substitute action.  We drink alcohol when drastic action is required.  A doubling up of ... whatever our poisons ... so we can elude ourselves into believing that we are actually doing something.

It is, of course, ego. I truly believe this.  The ego is somehow wounded and a mortified mind can find any manner of means to bring relief and apportion blame.  If there is blame, there is ego. 

Depression robs one of  ideas required to find the proper action.

Mr Piers calmly allows me my bouts of darkness until I come to him in pain.  Then, do the right thing. Don't argue with it. Just do something meaningful to change the fright filled visions.

We are extraordinary.  The pills, I think, help us express it.  But, when depressed, we are convinced that this is not so.  We feel like failures, but without pills failure is sure. The danger is that if one doesn't treat it, in my experience, the low level one falls to can feel pretty normal.  Normal without mojo.  Ego causes it and ego stops active steps to remove it.

I think... so far.  I welcome any debate.

On the Global Front.

The globe just got smaller.  I can only see as far as my heart today.  Earth has fewer inhabitants.  The Ukraine has my prayers, but not my focus. I don't know what progress has been made to subdue powers, hungry for expansion, born of perceived need.

Just a thought

I beg our Creator, King of the Universe, do not abandon us to our lusts.  Turn your eyes back to us and nurture the good in us.  Heal us of our broken hearts, open the windows of Heaven and let your light shine upon us.  My candle is burning.  I send my love to all in war torn places and ask your special hand of healing.  If I am depressed because of my biology and broken because of my loss, how broken, depressed and immobilised are your many souls out there.  Grant us peace in our day.